Monday, May 5, 2014

#BLauthor6: Steve Bogdaniec

Follow Steve Bogdaniec on Facebook.
#BLauthor6 is Steve Bogdaniec.

Steve Bogdaniec is a Chicago-based writer and teacher, currently teaching at Wright College in Chicago.  Steve will write just about anything: he has had poetry and short fiction published, and recently wrote a monthly movie feature with the website Pop Bunker.  Follow him on Twitter!  Just kidding—he never posts anything there anyway.

Co-ed Bethany Brownholtz says: Is it my Facebook feed, or does spring fever coincide with wedding fever?  

In honour of the upcoming wedding season, Blood Lotus presents the following piece by Steve Bogdaniec, which humorously weaves together (un)necessary wedding evils and the rough family dynamics we know and love:

The Honour of Your Presence

Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Lawrence Kilpatrick
Request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter
Cynthia Ann
Mr. William Daniel Johnston
although Cynthia and Bill would actually prefer it if you didn’t show up
and mind your own business
on Saturday the twelfth of July
two thousand and fourteen
the kids didn’t want to send you this invitation at first, since you are really creepy,
often drunk,
and generally unpleasant to be around
however, we talked them into it
after all,
you are the wealthiest relation on either side of the family
Roni and I hope that throwing you a pity-invite will induce a hefty check
hopefully you will be doing something else that day
at three o’clock in the afternoon
where they will exchange vows of dedication to each other and God
in front of Cynthia’s cousin, whom Bill slept with
and whom Cynthia also slept with, though not at the same time
not that anyone’s judging
I certainly experimented when I was that age
Isidore Community Church
427 West Fourth Avenue
Collins, Missouri

We request the pleasure of your company following the wedding ceremony
although, of course,
we would gain even more pleasure if you stayed home
the way you drink to cover up your inferiority complex
over your father and big brothers
your share of the booze tab alone would kill us
731 South Seventh Boulevard
Collins, Missouri
you know what, come or don’t come
it’s up to you
we both just want this damn thing over with
we love Cyndy, but we both want to stab her in the throat at this point
the kid she’s marrying is ok, but a little on the dumb and broke side
Roni and I think Cyndy picked him because he’s handsome
and because he would jump into a toilet bowl if she told him to
nah, the kids are fine
it’s just that this whole show is draining us
Roni and I are pretty much stuck paying all of it
we spent so much on beef, chicken, pasta, band, flowers, dress,
these ever-so-elegant invitations—do you know what this crap costs?
probably not, you never had kids
I envy you sometimes
damn things just HAD to have the silver ribbons and extra embossing
that costs five bucks more an invitation
or they wouldn’t be perfect
perfection costs an extra $750, apparently

we’re spending so much on this wedding
we may have to start selling drugs again
you were around us back in those days
Roni and me, the minivan, Big Ralphie, God rest his soul
no mortgage, no flex spending, no kids
couple knife fights here and there, six months of parole one time
be honest: weren’t we happier?
Roni and I have that argument all the time

if you insist on showing up
at least don’t be rude about it

No comments:

Post a Comment